Close your eyes and relax with Green Dream

click to enlarge BRANDON SODERBERG

  • Brandon Soderberg

Blue Dream, “a relatively simple, unfussy” strain (as I said in a review a couple years ago) that all the rappers love and rap about, is the steady rhythm section of Sativa-dominant Green Dream. The more chaotic Green Crack meanwhile, gets to step forward every once in a while and show off and solo. So you’re getting a fairly basic, modern classic sort of high via Blue Dream that is occasionally derailed here and there for these extra-crispy moments of zone-out thanks to the Green Crack.

The zone-outs are resplendent. Close your eyes and relax a little meditation-style and notice the natural, ineffable stirring of Green Dream. You’ll feel it underneath the skin, as if your cells are bumping into one another, pushing and shoving and bouncing around. Something is about to happen: like when a storm is an hour away and all of the leaves are subtly trembling or the sun sets and if you look close you can see the infinitesimal second-to-second shifts in light.

Because this is such a mindful — rather than mind-erasing strain — we have to talk about Green Crack some more. The name is dumb and offensive. As fellow weed reviewer Baynard Woods wrote awhile back, “there’s something shitty about the moniker ‘Green Crack’ — something so blatantly white and privileged.” Crack comparisons of this sort are also vague and inaccurate — a far worse sin for a critic to commit than being offensive is to be imprecise. What I am saying here is I’ve smoked crack and there’s no way the dweebs that are talking up something as being “like crack” really mean it: You feel great and awful and your eyes hurt and you’re sick and all scraped out on it. Even the strongest, harshest weed ain’t doing that. The point is Green Crack is a crappy name and the nervous, bouncy excitement that the zippy Sativa unleashes isn’t “like crack” though it is exceptional — different from other strains, and some people do lose themselves amid its restive effects.

If you’re a little afraid of Green Crack, Green Dream can be your Green Crack training wheels. The Blue Dream — which we’re all familiar with and prepared to handle I think — holds everything together and keeps the Green Crack in line. And when you smoke a lot of Green Dream, the way it overwhelms you is pretty rarefied, an almost mathematical decoupling takes place. The high sat there above my eyes, in my forehead, swirling, and when I raised my eyebrows I felt my face stretching out, expanding, and when I furrowed my brow, it all contracted and squished in like some wacky grotesque Basil Wolverton illustration. I also felt like it was all happening to someone else, someone across the room.

Strength: 8

Nose: A glob of melted orange sherbet stuck to the counter for a week

Euphoria: 7

Existential dread: 1

Freaking out when a crazy person approaches you: 1

Music pairing: Brian Eno’s Another Green World, then Project Pat’s Ghetty Green

Drink paring: Limeade

Rating: 7